4.) hope.

Today I had a doctor's appointment.  It was multi-purpose: to review my history, assess my current status, and make a plan for the future. I am thrilled to conclude that, not only did it go well, but she actually gave me some good news for once!  It's a rare occasion that I do not walk out feeling defeated. Today, I walked out of the appointment feeling a strange, tingling sensation: I think it was HOPE!

I've been waging a war against infertility for... well, I don't even want to admit how long.  A while now.  Many of the months that have passed along the way, I've had a ridiculously low likelihood for a successful shot at conceiving.  So small that it was hard to even muster up any faith (especially after mulitple crushing let-downs over time).  My hope has bottomed out lately, and it's been a struggle to even stay in the fight.  I've been praying to just have a fair shot at conceiving a baby (that's all I ask, is for a chance!)... and this month, I may actually have some odds stacked on my side.  Woohoo!  Things are looking up.  And if this month isn't "the" month... well, we have a great game plan on what's to follow.  

This infertility journey has been a complete emotional sandstorm.  It's hard to have faith, be positive, and feel hopeful when sometimes the blows just don't seem to want to quit.  Sometimes a little fleck of hope will float to the surface, but for some reason, today it's running through me like a river!  See what one bit of good news can do for a person?  One little positive moment in the day and voila... hope is restored.  It feels good.  

There's a quote, which I believe is from the movie, "The Matrix Reloaded", that says it best:  "Hope is the quintessential delusion; simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness."  It truly is a scary thing, "hope". 

It's scary to allow yourself to be hopeful while trying to conceive with infertility when so much of the emotionally-charged process is out of your hands.  But sometimes, just once in a while, you have to allow yourself to have faith, be vulnerable, and just HOPE with all your heart.